The only exception

Ok, so I know I normally have images I've drawn on my hand, but this bracelet tells a very important story, and to be fair, it does live on my right hand. But, in case you're not satisfied with this, here's something I did earlier this week.

DFTBA is a nerd fighter thing. It means don't forget to be awesome. I don't think anyone should forget that they are awesome, and so should continue to be awesome. It's like live long and prosper.

So, back to the bracelet. It was a Christmas present (not much, but he and his sister also gave me some beyond beautiful earrings I plan to wear to the proms) from an ex, who's also a really good friend. Who, ok, I still have feelings for. I went somewhere today (a friends (not his) house and no, he wasn't there), and I just felt naked without it. I'm so used to it. To me it represents hope and love and kindness and fun and him. And he's just so nice and he makes me smile, and, to be honest, I completely screwed it up. I broke it off the first time, because I hardly knew him and it was just awkward. But now I really know him, and he can always make me smile, and he's funny and nice and we can talk, and I've started to think of him as kind-of sexy.
And one of my friends managed to worm this out of me, and then she told him. The first time he asked me out, through one of his friends, and I said he had to talk to me in person. So now it looks like I'm being a hypocrite, which I totally get, because I should, will (I hope) talk to him myself. I... just screwed it up.
It's not love (I'm 15 for Chips sake), but anyway, love doesn't happen just like that like it does in the movies, I bet, and so, yeah.
I also used to have this rule that I'd never go back out with and ex because if it didn't work the first time it's hardly going to work again, and also my friend (the one who "talked" to him for me) used to be constantly on/off with this guy, and it ruined her friendship with us and everyone was moaning and the guy was left with no friends because of it, and it just didn't work. And I'd never want to get into that. But we just jumped into a relationship (if you can call it that) too early. And now I know where I want to be and I know him and, I know what I want, and I have to do it again. I have to take my own advice and talk to him. I should be very good at this by the time I go to six-form.
(It's like the Paramore song) (did I spell that right?)

Never perfect-except when it is

You remember last weeks? Well, it's finished.-ish.

Ok, so I said last week I had-or was involved with this really mega problem. Which has now shrunk a load. Let's just say I think I got it right, and it's pretty much ok. But (RANT ALERT) the person who benefited the most from me looking for the truth (apart from possibly me and one other) told me off for looking into it. And whilst I can see that yes, it was private, but the person who "owns" the secret won't keep it to themselves (it's all a HUGE lie anyway) and know I'm sure of the truth I can defend them, but without it, I wouldn't be that good at it.
Also, I went to town today with my friends, and then everyone was talking about troubles with their family. And I'm lucky to have a pretty good family, so I can't complain, and I feel terrible when I want to say something, but I'm worried that if I did then I'd seem really bitchy and mean, so I don't talk. So, I kinda want something amazingly bad to happen to be, just so I can fit in a bit more and feel included. Is that weird? It probably is, but then, I don't know how else to talk and not seem to think I'm better or luckier or richer or whatever than my friends.
DFTBA XXX

Truth and Lies

Ok, so a bit different from normal. I want to start this with a quote from "Only the Good Spy Young" by Ally Carter. Please read the series, because it's awesome. I was just thinking about how I was going to blog today, and then I remembered this quote from the end:

"...Don't think of this as me running away, but of me running towards.
" Towards answers. Towards hope. Towards wherever I have to go..."

So, I didn't blog last week because I was packing for Paris. I came back today. And most of it was really fun. I mean we (my friends and I) spent the whole trip in Disneyland Paris going on all of the big rides and having fun and generally being teenagers. Well, we also went up the Eiffel Tower and other stuff, but mainly Disney.
But then this thing happened. I was told something, and it hasn't spoiled my trip, but there's this big chunk of it that is a massive black hole eating away at me whenever I think about it. And it's big, so I'm thinking about it a lot. That's what the knife represents: that feeling eating away at me for knowing about it, and my memory of the trip and my opinions of the people involved, and it's sickening.
I mentioned earlier I went up the Eiffel Tower. That was a big thing for me, because i'm really scared of heights. It's pretty much always been there. I didn't go to the top, but the second floor. Normally, when I'd hear something like this secret, I'd ignore it and hope it goes away. The longing for the closest thing I can get to the truth will still be there, but at least no one would be hurt. But I used to give advice to people about this stuff. And if I'd have had to advice someone in the position I am in now, I'd tell them to dig. So right now, I'm digging. I'm finding all opinions, and looking at what I know, and, it's scary. Because I know people will get hurt, and upset, and I normally try to avoid that. And I still will. But I need the truth. Because there is one person in this situation with a whole load of power, over me, over the other person, and even other another person who doesn't even know about it. And they aren't as delicate around other people as i am, so people could get hurt if they wish it to be so. But if I have the truth, I can stop that, or at least minimize the damage. At least, I hope so.

And really, it's strange to think how one little secret, that I don't even know to be true, can have so much power and potential to hurt, and this control over me. That's what the big lip with the pad lock means. This single secret. I hope I can come back next week and tell you it was all just a joke or a fantasy, but we don't know that. I know some of my friends may read this, and they could probably work out who has the power, if they think hard enough. Part of me hopes they do, another part hopes they don't. Either way, this is me running toward answers, towards tears and pain and anger and fights, and then finally to the Truth.